Insecure

Insecure

How did she get here

In this foreign place

In this lonely space

Unsure of herself

Questioning herself

Wondering if she was enough

Or if she cared too much

Better yet, if she was scared too much

Scared that she was in love alone

Scared of ending up alone

But she was already alone

Drowning in her own thoughts

Thinking the worst

Only made her feel worse

But she couldn’t shut her mind up

And she couldn’t talk about it

No one would get it

They just tried to feed her with clichés

Promises of “it’ll be okay”

Talking about “You are the prize”

And it all sounded like lies

She knew she was worthy

But knowing and feeling are two different things.

She was lost

And she knew exactly how she got here

Just not how to leave.

– JIF

Advertisements

Her

Her

I once knew this woman

She felt untouchable

And so she was

She exuded strength and beauty

She walked with such confidence

Smiled from her soul

She spoke with passion

From her sweet, melodic voice

She could turn heads, that one

Just from entering the room

She never begged for attention

And didn’t need approval

God’s light shined on her

With her spirit, she was so in-tuned

And I swear we shall meet again,

Someday really soon.

-JIF

Happiness

Happiness

Happiness surrounds me

It tries to live in me

But I think it loves others more

It’s visit them more often

I can see it

I can feel it sometimes

It’s in close reach

But fear keeps pushing it out

Doubt doesn’t want it here

There’s a constant battle within

A tug-of-war, if you will

Fear is strong, very strong

Doubt is even stronger

And the two just work hand-in-hand

But my spirit..

My spirit won’t let go

My spirit is chasing happiness

She’s chasing love

She’s chasing life

My spirit is a fighter

And she keeps me going

She keeps me going after the Happiness

That is surrounding me.

-JIF

Attitudes

I have come a long way and I am not defined by my “attitude.” I have worked hard on the transformations I have made in my life and having a positive energy. My attitude is never unwarranted; you cannot poke at me and expect me to still be roses. I’m not there yet. I can be mellow and it doesn’t mean I have an attitude. And I’m not saying that’s the best way to handle my frustrations or hurt feelings either. One thing I know, if you focus more on trying to pick out my attitude moments than everything else good about me, which do you think you’ll continue to see? I’m not perfect but I’m not a mean-spirited person. Nothing will keep me from continuing to be better. 💕

-JIF

In-Tune with You

In-Tune with You

How in tune are you with yourself? Can you feel when things are unbalanced in your life or just downright off?

I feel it. I feel how off things are with me. I have been holding on to past conversations with friends and my s.o. I have been holding on to past decisions that I have made. I have been holding on to past feelings. I don't know why I've always had such a hard time when it comes to forgiving myself. And it's not that I feel like I am just this awful person, but I know I have said and done things I shouldn't have. I also know, I can't go backwards and change any of that.

If I step out of myself and look at my life, I really should not have any complaints. I should be more grateful than anything; I have a beautiful house, a working/ paid for car, a good job, health, a good relationship, and the list goes on. I don't need for anything, but I think lately I've been clouded with my wants. My desires. Weight loss, marriage, a family, a better job/career… this list probably goes on too.

I realize that I really need to tap into myself more. Not what I am lacking, but rather all of the blessings that I do have. Count my blessings. I need to be less concerned about what everyone else around me is doing, whether it be at work, at home or on social media. Social media in it of itself is a sore spot for me. It bothers me so much more than it should… I have to start to fade that out. I let what others say and do bother me too much. I get annoyed or offended and I just get to a place where I feel like WHY do people not consider others. People are for themselves. Point blank period. And I need to be more for myself than others. I am mine before I am ever anyone else's.

-JIF

Timelines

I really battle with having set timelines, especially when another person is involved. Women always have pressure to be married by a certain time or have a baby by a certain age. Who says how long you are supposed to stay in a relationship before you get engaged/married. I think what makes it more difficult is when you see a variety around you; people getting engaged early on and then people waiting 5-10 years. Being in year 3, I just feel like I don’t know when to walk away or how much longer I’m supposed to be patient. 

When a man isn’t “ready” yet, how long does it take to get ready. That’s so difficult to just sit back and wait for him to become mentally or financially ready or whatever it is that’s giving him pause. As a woman, who wants nothing more than to have a family, waiting is the hardest thing that I have ever done. And now I just feel at a crossroads. How much longer?

-JIF