Pain and Loss

Pain and Loss

My last post was about coparenting with my son’s father and how much I wanted us to figure things out. I was also working on forgiving him for everything between us. I should have been asking for him to forgive me though. I knew he was upset with me and I did pray that he would let it go but I wish I had that conversation with him.

He recently passed away and this has been a very painful, confusing loss. I thought that I accepted being a single mother, even though that’s not what I ever wanted for my life or just child’s life. I find myself regretting that we could not work out our relationship, for us and for our son. I know that he just wanted to be in his children’s’ lives. And now he’s gone. I have to make sure that my son knows about his father and this is not at all how I imagined having to do so. I thought that I was past everything with him but I did still love him. Losing him has been very difficult. I hurt for what we could have been and should have been. I am trying to not let those thoughts consume me, but this grieving process is unlike any other loss I have ever experienced.

I have great support and community for my son and myself; I am very grateful for everyone surrounding us. I am glad that I moved back home too; this was definitely the best decision that I could have made for us. I do wish my son’s father had moved with us. It’s going to be difficult moving forward, not getting a text or call from him. I pray that I make him proud as I continue to raise our son.

– JIF

Learning How to CoParent

Learning How to CoParent

One of the most important parts of being a parent is forgiveness. My situation is so different for me because my anger for my son’s father doesn’t come from him cheating in the relationship. The betrayal from him was different. He led me to believe he was someone that he isn’t and by the time I started to see who he really is, I was already pregnant. I had hoped that we could work it out but I just could not settle again. So I had to walk away.

Unfortunately, this is a situation that I could not get a clean break from because now we’re having a baby together. It is very difficult to not regret my baby on account of regretting the father. So many people have said “At least we get Noah” as if that fixes everything. Maybe it does, eventually. But I am actually sad that I am having a baby under these circumstances. Then I realized, I need to forgive myself and forgive the father. I feel disappointed in both of us and regardless of the reasons, I can’t carry that. My son deserves better than a broken and angry mother. I have to heal from everything and leave it in the past.

Another important part of parenting that I learned is that I am only responsible to be Noah’s mother. I am not responsible to make his father be involved. The thing is, I don’t think the father doesn’t want to be involved, I think that he’s still a child and his idea of involvement is very childish and mediocre. He has not grown as a man and he has not yet grown as a father, even though he already has a child. I believe that not being active in the first child’s life has stunted his ability to grow. All of this has caused me great frustration but I have to focus on my role in my son’s life as his mother and do my best to do right by him, even when it feels uncomfortable for me. Because it’s not about me, it’s about what’s best for my son. And Lord knows I want what’s best for him. So I continue to pray to be a great mother, for growth and to make decisions that are always going to be beneficial to my son.

Coparenting may not be easy right now but I pray that it won’t always be this way. And even if I end up parenting alone, I am never alone.

– JIF

Cheater

Cheater

When you look in the mirror

What do you see

If you’re being honest

You’ll say a cheater, hopefully

But I think that’s the part of you

That you won’t admit to

She’s thinking she hit the jackpot too

You’re pretending to be so in love

Showing her what she wants to see

Or maybe you’re pretending with me

Trying to make me believe

That there’s no one better for me

Or better than me

In your eyes, I’m all you see

Can you still tell the difference

Between the lies

And which one of us

Really holds your interest?

Can it be both in this instance?

It’s possible we both do something different

Make you feel things

That the other person isn’t

But you can’t have both

It won’t end well for us

Or for you

Don’t worry though

You won’t have to choose

I refuse to go down in history

As a cheater, with you.

– JIF

No Regrets

No Regrets

She knew better

She went her whole life being careful

She tried to plan this better

But somehow she ended up here

She was in such a state of bliss

It blinded her

She knew better

And still let him lie to her

This was something she couldn’t take back

It was too late

But she wanted it for so long

That part of it wasn’t a mistake

Even though she knew better

She was left with something greater

She decided that she would thank him later

Not for the games he played

Or his immature ways

Only for the blessing he gave.

-JIF

Curveball

Curveball

I find myself, once again, in a place where I did not plan to be. Every time I make plans for my life, God shows me that He has other plans. This one hurt and was difficult to accept.

I never wanted to be a single mother; I intentionally kept myself from getting pregnant up to this point because I wanted & planned to be married before having children. The man that I met turned out to be a major disappointment, nothing like who I thought he was. Pulled the wool completely over my eyes & sold me a dream. His true colors were revealed & I chose to walk away for my peace and the peace of my baby. This was a difficult situation though because I knew that walking away meant accepting being a single mother. One of my biggest fears and nightmares and now I’m living it.

This is the last thing that I wanted but I won’t be with a man who is undeserving of me. I moved too quickly with this one, unfortunately, but out of this produced my blessing. Finding a way to move forward with my life and do what’s best for me has been difficult. I know that God is setting me up for better but being in this in-between stage feels stuck & sometimes lost.

One thing that I continue to think about us dating & how differently it will look. Not because I can’t just get up & go anymore, but because I have to choose with my son in mind. I have to be with a man who accepts us as a package & loves both of us. It changes how I move once I begin dating & how much time I will vest into these men. I don’t have time to just have pointless, reckless fun. Dating is intentional with the purpose of marriage. Although this has been the case for most of my adult life, it is not even optional.

Here’s to my journey as a single mother.

– JIF

Life’s Pain

Life’s Pain

There was no way

They could ever be again

There was too much pain

Too much has changed

Too many chains

That linked them together

And then held them back

Life dealt their hands

No trading them in

So their souls would always yearn

Would always pull them back in

But there was no way

They could ever be again.

-JIF

Developing Tough Skin

Developing Tough Skin

Growing up, I always had tough skin. I was so carefree when it came to what people thought about me. In a way, I still am. What bothers me most is how people treat me, especially in relation to how I treat them. People have been very disappointing & too often, I expect people to have a heart like mine. They don’t.

I believe I have spoken before about my issue with letting go. Probably more than once. It really has always been a struggle & a process… but then once I’m done, I’m done. Instead of having a process of letting go, I really need to get to a place where it’s just done. When I look at how my older sister handles things and people, I wonder how can I be in that type of space. I realized, though, she is a mother who has 3 other humans depending on her. I’m no longer the only person looking up to her. Even though sometimes I feel that she is too tough, I still admire her ability to not let people affect her.

I find myself in a place where I am rebuilding myself and I am wondering how or where I begin to develop tough skin again. Become carefree again. Although I don’t particularly have the answers right now, I’m hoping to come back with a reflection on how I achieved reaching new levels within myself.

– JIF