Timelines

Timelines

The idea of timelines has always been prevalent in my life for one reason or another. In my last relationship, there was a timeline that I placed on him and myself for marriage and children. I spent 4 years with this man and I had an expectation based on time that I should’ve had a ring by then. It didn’t happen that way and now I know why – he was not my husband. I was trapped in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Never thought that would happen to me, but I digress. The point is, I thought that when you are in a relationship, this should be happening at a certain pace.

Now that I am in a new space, I have a different perspective on time. My life has been full of blessings and joy; God has been moving so much and He just hit me with a man that I wondered if any more of his kind existed. It’s been a month and things have been taking off tremendously, but very organically. Nothing has been forced or coerced, manipulated or tricked. The connection is just there and it’s natural. I worried if I would connect with another man so easily. Also, I’m moving to another state soon and I cannot let this man go. After I swore that I would not meet anyone seriously because of my move… God laughed.

I say all of that to say this: should timelines exist? And by whose standards are these timelines created? I am beginning to think that time is just an illusion, and it is created by people for various reasons. I used to be confused about how people could be engaged after 6 months of dating and carry on with a successful marriage. In the same sense, I didn’t understand how people could be together for 10 years before they got married. So maybe timelines are not as essential as society makes them seem.

Just go with it.

– JIF

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Developing Tough Skin

Developing Tough Skin

Growing up, I always had tough skin. I was so carefree when it came to what people thought about me. In a way, I still am. What bothers me most is how people treat me, especially in relation to how I treat them. People have been very disappointing & too often, I expect people to have a heart like mine. They don’t.

I believe I have spoken before about my issue with letting go. Probably more than once. It really has always been a struggle & a process… but then once I’m done, I’m done. Instead of having a process of letting go, I really need to get to a place where it’s just done. When I look at how my older sister handles things and people, I wonder how can I be in that type of space. I realized, though, she is a mother who has 3 other humans depending on her. I’m no longer the only person looking up to her. Even though sometimes I feel that she is too tough, I still admire her ability to not let people affect her.

I find myself in a place where I am rebuilding myself and I am wondering how or where I begin to develop tough skin again. Become carefree again. Although I don’t particularly have the answers right now, I’m hoping to come back with a reflection on how I achieved reaching new levels within myself.

– JIF

The Storm

The Storm

So you lost yourself in him

And he’s gone.

Leaving you just lost in the world

Hopelessly trying to hold on.

It seems easier than the alternative

Moving on.

You’re dodging your emotions

Hoping they will pass.

But when there’s only silence left

It comes in like a hurricane

Destroying anything in its path.

Causing a storm of tears

That nearly drown you.

You thought you could keep running

And the pain still found you.

Where do you go from here?

You can’t let him steal all that’s left.

You won’t have any pieces to rebuild.

Grab hold of something,

You’ll need that to heal.

Yeah, you lost yourself in him

There’s no shame in that.

But if you don’t start moving forward

You’ll find yourself straying back.

Then you’ll hate yourself for loving him

And loathe yourself for wanting him

Disappoint yourself for needing him

Even if it’s just for a minute.

It’s time to take the next step

Stop lingering in the middle.

He’s long gone

Don’t let him take you with him.

-JIF

Why is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

Why is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

It has been a while since I have written a post and I’m going to share what I’ve been going through. I recently ended a 4 year relationship and it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. After 4 years, we found ourselves at a place where we were growing in different directions. I want marriage, children and all of that jazz. He is just realizing that he needs to get himself together in so many ways. And unfortunately, we both decided that we were just too different.

And then…. I came to find out he had been cheating on me for several months. Here I was, giving all of myself to this relationship. Killing myself to “correct” everything that he told me was wrong with me. I lost my own identity over a man who had no respect for me. I came to the hard realization that he was never going to marry me.

So now I’m here, left to pick up the pieces of my life. Still lost and trying to rediscover who I am. I don’t plan to go back to who I was before him because I can say that I’ve grown in many ways over the 4 years. I feel like I’m starting fresh with getting to know myself again and building that self-love. Let me tell you, if you have never lost yourself in a relationship, it is extremely heart-breaking. Especially when you were with a person who fed doubt, negative thoughts and defeat into your spirit for years. You have to come out on the other side and not only decide that’s not who you are, but discover the truth about you through God.

I used to not know if it was the act of breaking up, or the feeling of losing something that was so hard. For me, it’s all of it. The breakup itself, letting go of all that I knew, forgiving myself for allowing such toxins into my spirit, forgiving him and continuing to move forward. I can’t imagine how many other women have this story and are too afraid to share. Here is my truth and I am living in it, daily, just putting one foot in front of the other. 🖤

– JIF

Finding My Way Back To Me

Finding My Way Back To Me

I have recently realized that I was more broken than I thought. I say was because in going on this “sojourn” (solo journey), I am no longer claiming brokenness. Nevertheless, I knew that I had to do something to get back to loving me.

Your relationship with yourself is just as much work as any other relationship. It does not just happen by nature and does not come effortlessly. So I made the decision to take my first road trip alone and drove to the beach this past weekend and boy was it liberating. Although it wasn’t action packed, it made me feel like I can go out to eat alone and other activities. I recently read the title of another blog titled “Self-Love Sunday” and I love this idea! I made a vow to take myself out on a date every month, at least once. Spending time with yourself can be very freeing and empowering.

Another way that I decided to boost my self-love was that I began doing my makeup daily. Most people think it’s crazy or unnecessary because my job is just an office job. But what job “constitutes” makeup. It’s not about where I work or what I do… it’s about how I feel when I wear makeup. I also pay attention to how I’m dressing when I leave the house. This was just important for me because when you look good, you feel good. I’m also debating changing my natural hair but that’s a topic for another day.

My point is that I had to let go of all the dead weight holding me down. All the excuses and other people’s reasonings for why I shouldn’t do certain things. I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s. I must act like it. Release all insecurities and let go of all anger. I have to forgive and then free myself and that’s where I’m at now in life. So here’s to my sojourn. 🖤

-JIF

Aching

Aching

Has your heart ever been in aching pain?

Pain that flows throughout

Has it ever ached for another heart?

Because all you want

Is for the two

To form so tightly together

That nothing can break them apart

But someone’s heart is fighting it

And you’re left with that ache…

– J.I.F.

Just Try

Just Try

They say, in order to reach new levels, you have to try new things. And since all of my efforts have failed thus far.. I’m going to try something new:

The 21 Day Attitude Fix.

Now it’s not that I can’t acknowledge my attitude pops up, as a defense mostly. But nevertheless, it’s an automatic reaction at times. One that affects those around me, so much so that they do not want to be around me. So that’s the main indicator for a change. I mean no harm or unkindness by it or towards anyone but the reality is, it hurts people. And I do not want to lose anyone or push them away. It only does me more harm to hold on to it.

Pray. Release. Heal.

-JIF