She knew better
She went her whole life being careful
She tried to plan this better
But somehow she ended up here
She was in such a state of bliss
It blinded her
She knew better
And still let him lie to her
This was something she couldn’t take back
It was too late
But she wanted it for so long
That part of it wasn’t a mistake
Even though she knew better
She was left with something greater
She decided that she would thank him later
Not for the games he played
Or his immature ways
Only for the blessing he gave.
I find myself, once again, in a place where I did not plan to be. Every time I make plans for my life, God shows me that He has other plans. This one hurt and was difficult to accept.
I never wanted to be a single mother; I intentionally kept myself from getting pregnant up to this point because I wanted & planned to be married before having children. The man that I met turned out to be a major disappointment, nothing like who I thought he was. Pulled the wool completely over my eyes & sold me a dream. His true colors were revealed & I chose to walk away for my peace and the peace of my baby. This was a difficult situation though because I knew that walking away meant accepting being a single mother. One of my biggest fears and nightmares and now I’m living it.
This is the last thing that I wanted but I won’t be with a man who is undeserving of me. I moved too quickly with this one, unfortunately, but out of this produced my blessing. Finding a way to move forward with my life and do what’s best for me has been difficult. I know that God is setting me up for better but being in this in-between stage feels stuck & sometimes lost.
One thing that I continue to think about us dating & how differently it will look. Not because I can’t just get up & go anymore, but because I have to choose with my son in mind. I have to be with a man who accepts us as a package & loves both of us. It changes how I move once I begin dating & how much time I will vest into these men. I don’t have time to just have pointless, reckless fun. Dating is intentional with the purpose of marriage. Although this has been the case for most of my adult life, it is not even optional.
Here’s to my journey as a single mother.