One of the most important parts of being a parent is forgiveness. My situation is so different for me because my anger for my son’s father doesn’t come from him cheating in the relationship. The betrayal from him was different. He led me to believe he was someone that he isn’t and by the time I started to see who he really is, I was already pregnant. I had hoped that we could work it out but I just could not settle again. So I had to walk away.
Unfortunately, this is a situation that I could not get a clean break from because now we’re having a baby together. It is very difficult to not regret my baby on account of regretting the father. So many people have said “At least we get Noah” as if that fixes everything. Maybe it does, eventually. But I am actually sad that I am having a baby under these circumstances. Then I realized, I need to forgive myself and forgive the father. I feel disappointed in both of us and regardless of the reasons, I can’t carry that. My son deserves better than a broken and angry mother. I have to heal from everything and leave it in the past.
Another important part of parenting that I learned is that I am only responsible to be Noah’s mother. I am not responsible to make his father be involved. The thing is, I don’t think the father doesn’t want to be involved, I think that he’s still a child and his idea of involvement is very childish and mediocre. He has not grown as a man and he has not yet grown as a father, even though he already has a child. I believe that not being active in the first child’s life has stunted his ability to grow. All of this has caused me great frustration but I have to focus on my role in my son’s life as his mother and do my best to do right by him, even when it feels uncomfortable for me. Because it’s not about me, it’s about what’s best for my son. And Lord knows I want what’s best for him. So I continue to pray to be a great mother, for growth and to make decisions that are always going to be beneficial to my son.
Coparenting may not be easy right now but I pray that it won’t always be this way. And even if I end up parenting alone, I am never alone.