My last post was about coparenting with my son’s father and how much I wanted us to figure things out. I was also working on forgiving him for everything between us. I should have been asking for him to forgive me though. I knew he was upset with me and I did pray that he would let it go but I wish I had that conversation with him.

He recently passed away and this has been a very painful, confusing loss. I thought that I accepted being a single mother, even though that’s not what I ever wanted for my life or just child’s life. I find myself regretting that we could not work out our relationship, for us and for our son. I know that he just wanted to be in his children’s’ lives. And now he’s gone. I have to make sure that my son knows about his father and this is not at all how I imagined having to do so. I thought that I was past everything with him but I did still love him. Losing him has been very difficult. I hurt for what we could have been and should have been. I am trying to not let those thoughts consume me, but this grieving process is unlike any other loss I have ever experienced.

I have great support and community for my son and myself; I am very grateful for everyone surrounding us. I am glad that I moved back home too; this was definitely the best decision that I could have made for us. I do wish my son’s father had moved with us. It’s going to be difficult moving forward, not getting a text or call from him. I pray that I make him proud as I continue to raise our son.

– JIF

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