Pain and Loss

Pain and Loss

My last post was about coparenting with my son’s father and how much I wanted us to figure things out. I was also working on forgiving him for everything between us. I should have been asking for him to forgive me though. I knew he was upset with me and I did pray that he would let it go but I wish I had that conversation with him.

He recently passed away and this has been a very painful, confusing loss. I thought that I accepted being a single mother, even though that’s not what I ever wanted for my life or just child’s life. I find myself regretting that we could not work out our relationship, for us and for our son. I know that he just wanted to be in his children’s’ lives. And now he’s gone. I have to make sure that my son knows about his father and this is not at all how I imagined having to do so. I thought that I was past everything with him but I did still love him. Losing him has been very difficult. I hurt for what we could have been and should have been. I am trying to not let those thoughts consume me, but this grieving process is unlike any other loss I have ever experienced.

I have great support and community for my son and myself; I am very grateful for everyone surrounding us. I am glad that I moved back home too; this was definitely the best decision that I could have made for us. I do wish my son’s father had moved with us. It’s going to be difficult moving forward, not getting a text or call from him. I pray that I make him proud as I continue to raise our son.

– JIF

Learning How to CoParent

Learning How to CoParent

One of the most important parts of being a parent is forgiveness. My situation is so different for me because my anger for my son’s father doesn’t come from him cheating in the relationship. The betrayal from him was different. He led me to believe he was someone that he isn’t and by the time I started to see who he really is, I was already pregnant. I had hoped that we could work it out but I just could not settle again. So I had to walk away.

Unfortunately, this is a situation that I could not get a clean break from because now we’re having a baby together. It is very difficult to not regret my baby on account of regretting the father. So many people have said “At least we get Noah” as if that fixes everything. Maybe it does, eventually. But I am actually sad that I am having a baby under these circumstances. Then I realized, I need to forgive myself and forgive the father. I feel disappointed in both of us and regardless of the reasons, I can’t carry that. My son deserves better than a broken and angry mother. I have to heal from everything and leave it in the past.

Another important part of parenting that I learned is that I am only responsible to be Noah’s mother. I am not responsible to make his father be involved. The thing is, I don’t think the father doesn’t want to be involved, I think that he’s still a child and his idea of involvement is very childish and mediocre. He has not grown as a man and he has not yet grown as a father, even though he already has a child. I believe that not being active in the first child’s life has stunted his ability to grow. All of this has caused me great frustration but I have to focus on my role in my son’s life as his mother and do my best to do right by him, even when it feels uncomfortable for me. Because it’s not about me, it’s about what’s best for my son. And Lord knows I want what’s best for him. So I continue to pray to be a great mother, for growth and to make decisions that are always going to be beneficial to my son.

Coparenting may not be easy right now but I pray that it won’t always be this way. And even if I end up parenting alone, I am never alone.

– JIF

No Regrets

No Regrets

She knew better

She went her whole life being careful

She tried to plan this better

But somehow she ended up here

She was in such a state of bliss

It blinded her

She knew better

And still let him lie to her

This was something she couldn’t take back

It was too late

But she wanted it for so long

That part of it wasn’t a mistake

Even though she knew better

She was left with something greater

She decided that she would thank him later

Not for the games he played

Or his immature ways

Only for the blessing he gave.

-JIF

Curveball

Curveball

I find myself, once again, in a place where I did not plan to be. Every time I make plans for my life, God shows me that He has other plans. This one hurt and was difficult to accept.

I never wanted to be a single mother; I intentionally kept myself from getting pregnant up to this point because I wanted & planned to be married before having children. The man that I met turned out to be a major disappointment, nothing like who I thought he was. Pulled the wool completely over my eyes & sold me a dream. His true colors were revealed & I chose to walk away for my peace and the peace of my baby. This was a difficult situation though because I knew that walking away meant accepting being a single mother. One of my biggest fears and nightmares and now I’m living it.

This is the last thing that I wanted but I won’t be with a man who is undeserving of me. I moved too quickly with this one, unfortunately, but out of this produced my blessing. Finding a way to move forward with my life and do what’s best for me has been difficult. I know that God is setting me up for better but being in this in-between stage feels stuck & sometimes lost.

One thing that I continue to think about us dating & how differently it will look. Not because I can’t just get up & go anymore, but because I have to choose with my son in mind. I have to be with a man who accepts us as a package & loves both of us. It changes how I move once I begin dating & how much time I will vest into these men. I don’t have time to just have pointless, reckless fun. Dating is intentional with the purpose of marriage. Although this has been the case for most of my adult life, it is not even optional.

Here’s to my journey as a single mother.

– JIF

Developing Tough Skin

Developing Tough Skin

Growing up, I always had tough skin. I was so carefree when it came to what people thought about me. In a way, I still am. What bothers me most is how people treat me, especially in relation to how I treat them. People have been very disappointing & too often, I expect people to have a heart like mine. They don’t.

I believe I have spoken before about my issue with letting go. Probably more than once. It really has always been a struggle & a process… but then once I’m done, I’m done. Instead of having a process of letting go, I really need to get to a place where it’s just done. When I look at how my older sister handles things and people, I wonder how can I be in that type of space. I realized, though, she is a mother who has 3 other humans depending on her. I’m no longer the only person looking up to her. Even though sometimes I feel that she is too tough, I still admire her ability to not let people affect her.

I find myself in a place where I am rebuilding myself and I am wondering how or where I begin to develop tough skin again. Become carefree again. Although I don’t particularly have the answers right now, I’m hoping to come back with a reflection on how I achieved reaching new levels within myself.

– JIF

Why is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

Why is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

It has been a while since I have written a post and I’m going to share what I’ve been going through. I recently ended a 4 year relationship and it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. After 4 years, we found ourselves at a place where we were growing in different directions. I want marriage, children and all of that jazz. He is just realizing that he needs to get himself together in so many ways. And unfortunately, we both decided that we were just too different.

And then…. I came to find out he had been cheating on me for several months. Here I was, giving all of myself to this relationship. Killing myself to “correct” everything that he told me was wrong with me. I lost my own identity over a man who had no respect for me. I came to the hard realization that he was never going to marry me.

So now I’m here, left to pick up the pieces of my life. Still lost and trying to rediscover who I am. I don’t plan to go back to who I was before him because I can say that I’ve grown in many ways over the 4 years. I feel like I’m starting fresh with getting to know myself again and building that self-love. Let me tell you, if you have never lost yourself in a relationship, it is extremely heart-breaking. Especially when you were with a person who fed doubt, negative thoughts and defeat into your spirit for years. You have to come out on the other side and not only decide that’s not who you are, but discover the truth about you through God.

I used to not know if it was the act of breaking up, or the feeling of losing something that was so hard. For me, it’s all of it. The breakup itself, letting go of all that I knew, forgiving myself for allowing such toxins into my spirit, forgiving him and continuing to move forward. I can’t imagine how many other women have this story and are too afraid to share. Here is my truth and I am living in it, daily, just putting one foot in front of the other. 🖤

– JIF

Just Try

Just Try

They say, in order to reach new levels, you have to try new things. And since all of my efforts have failed thus far.. I’m going to try something new:

The 21 Day Attitude Fix.

Now it’s not that I can’t acknowledge my attitude pops up, as a defense mostly. But nevertheless, it’s an automatic reaction at times. One that affects those around me, so much so that they do not want to be around me. So that’s the main indicator for a change. I mean no harm or unkindness by it or towards anyone but the reality is, it hurts people. And I do not want to lose anyone or push them away. It only does me more harm to hold on to it.

Pray. Release. Heal.

-JIF