Cheater

When you look in the mirror

What do you see

If you’re being honest

You’ll say a cheater, hopefully

But I think that’s the part of you

That you won’t admit to

She’s thinking she hit the jackpot too

You’re pretending to be so in love

Showing her what she wants to see

Or maybe you’re pretending with me

Trying to make me believe

That there’s no one better for me

Or better than me

In your eyes, I’m all you see

Can you still tell the difference

Between the lies

And which one of us

Really holds your interest?

Can it be both in this instance?

It’s possible we both do something different

Make you feel things

That the other person isn’t

But you can’t have both

It won’t end well for us

Or for you

Don’t worry though

You won’t have to choose

I refuse to go down in history

As a cheater, with you.

– JIF

Curveball

I find myself, once again, in a place where I did not plan to be. Every time I make plans for my life, God shows me that He has other plans. This one hurt and was difficult to accept.

I never wanted to be a single mother; I intentionally kept myself from getting pregnant up to this point because I wanted & planned to be married before having children. The man that I met turned out to be a major disappointment, nothing like who I thought he was. Pulled the wool completely over my eyes & sold me a dream. His true colors were revealed & I chose to walk away for my peace and the peace of my baby. This was a difficult situation though because I knew that walking away meant accepting being a single mother. One of my biggest fears and nightmares and now I’m living it.

This is the last thing that I wanted but I won’t be with a man who is undeserving of me. I moved too quickly with this one, unfortunately, but out of this produced my blessing. Finding a way to move forward with my life and do what’s best for me has been difficult. I know that God is setting me up for better but being in this in-between stage feels stuck & sometimes lost.

One thing that I continue to think about us dating & how differently it will look. Not because I can’t just get up & go anymore, but because I have to choose with my son in mind. I have to be with a man who accepts us as a package & loves both of us. It changes how I move once I begin dating & how much time I will vest into these men. I don’t have time to just have pointless, reckless fun. Dating is intentional with the purpose of marriage. Although this has been the case for most of my adult life, it is not even optional.

Here’s to my journey as a single mother.

– JIF

Life’s Pain

There was no way

They could ever be again

There was too much pain

Too much has changed

Too many chains

That linked them together

And then held them back

Life dealt their hands

No trading them in

So their souls would always yearn

Would always pull them back in

But there was no way

They could ever be again.

-JIF

The Storm

So you lost yourself in him

And he’s gone.

Leaving you just lost in the world

Hopelessly trying to hold on.

It seems easier than the alternative

Moving on.

You’re dodging your emotions

Hoping they will pass.

But when there’s only silence left

It comes in like a hurricane

Destroying anything in its path.

Causing a storm of tears

That nearly drown you.

You thought you could keep running

And the pain still found you.

Where do you go from here?

You can’t let him steal all that’s left.

You won’t have any pieces to rebuild.

Grab hold of something,

You’ll need that to heal.

Yeah, you lost yourself in him

There’s no shame in that.

But if you don’t start moving forward

You’ll find yourself straying back.

Then you’ll hate yourself for loving him

And loathe yourself for wanting him

Disappoint yourself for needing him

Even if it’s just for a minute.

It’s time to take the next step

Stop lingering in the middle.

He’s long gone

Don’t let him take you with him.

-JIF

Why is Breaking Up Hard to Do?

It has been a while since I have written a post and I’m going to share what I’ve been going through. I recently ended a 4 year relationship and it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. After 4 years, we found ourselves at a place where we were growing in different directions. I want marriage, children and all of that jazz. He is just realizing that he needs to get himself together in so many ways. And unfortunately, we both decided that we were just too different.

And then…. I came to find out he had been cheating on me for several months. Here I was, giving all of myself to this relationship. Killing myself to “correct” everything that he told me was wrong with me. I lost my own identity over a man who had no respect for me. I came to the hard realization that he was never going to marry me.

So now I’m here, left to pick up the pieces of my life. Still lost and trying to rediscover who I am. I don’t plan to go back to who I was before him because I can say that I’ve grown in many ways over the 4 years. I feel like I’m starting fresh with getting to know myself again and building that self-love. Let me tell you, if you have never lost yourself in a relationship, it is extremely heart-breaking. Especially when you were with a person who fed doubt, negative thoughts and defeat into your spirit for years. You have to come out on the other side and not only decide that’s not who you are, but discover the truth about you through God.

I used to not know if it was the act of breaking up, or the feeling of losing something that was so hard. For me, it’s all of it. The breakup itself, letting go of all that I knew, forgiving myself for allowing such toxins into my spirit, forgiving him and continuing to move forward. I can’t imagine how many other women have this story and are too afraid to share. Here is my truth and I am living in it, daily, just putting one foot in front of the other. 🖤

– JIF

Finding My Way Back To Me

I have recently realized that I was more broken than I thought. I say was because in going on this “sojourn” (solo journey), I am no longer claiming brokenness. Nevertheless, I knew that I had to do something to get back to loving me.

Your relationship with yourself is just as much work as any other relationship. It does not just happen by nature and does not come effortlessly. So I made the decision to take my first road trip alone and drove to the beach this past weekend and boy was it liberating. Although it wasn’t action packed, it made me feel like I can go out to eat alone and other activities. I recently read the title of another blog titled “Self-Love Sunday” and I love this idea! I made a vow to take myself out on a date every month, at least once. Spending time with yourself can be very freeing and empowering.

Another way that I decided to boost my self-love was that I began doing my makeup daily. Most people think it’s crazy or unnecessary because my job is just an office job. But what job “constitutes” makeup. It’s not about where I work or what I do… it’s about how I feel when I wear makeup. I also pay attention to how I’m dressing when I leave the house. This was just important for me because when you look good, you feel good. I’m also debating changing my natural hair but that’s a topic for another day.

My point is that I had to let go of all the dead weight holding me down. All the excuses and other people’s reasonings for why I shouldn’t do certain things. I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s. I must act like it. Release all insecurities and let go of all anger. I have to forgive and then free myself and that’s where I’m at now in life. So here’s to my sojourn. 🖤

-JIF

Aching

Has your heart ever been in aching pain?

Pain that flows throughout

Has it ever ached for another heart?

Because all you want

Is for the two

To form so tightly together

That nothing can break them apart

But someone’s heart is fighting it

And you’re left with that ache…

– J.I.F.

Timelines

I really battle with having set timelines, especially when another person is involved. Women always have pressure to be married by a certain time or have a baby by a certain age. Who says how long you are supposed to stay in a relationship before you get engaged/married. I think what makes it more difficult is when you see a variety around you; people getting engaged early on and then people waiting 5-10 years. Being in year 3, I just feel like I don’t know when to walk away or how much longer I’m supposed to be patient. 

When a man isn’t “ready” yet, how long does it take to get ready. That’s so difficult to just sit back and wait for him to become mentally or financially ready or whatever it is that’s giving him pause. As a woman, who wants nothing more than to have a family, waiting is the hardest thing that I have ever done. And now I just feel at a crossroads. How much longer?

-JIF

Looking Back

Have you ever went back and looked through previous pictures? Or just thought back to a time when things were different? How do you go forward when you realize that there was a time when you loved yourself so much. When you look at life today, you don’t see that same joy. 

You’re a different type of happy. Happy. But not the same. Is it normal for your happiness to have a different face, a different feel? 

I know I don’t want to go backwards. I heard a sermon today about getting past your past. I can’t go back that way. But I’m wondering how do I get back that love that I once had for myself. Or will it ever be the same love… maybe your love is supposed to evolve as you do. Maybe. 

– JIF

Trust

Or lack thereof 

He betrayed my love

That’s a hard thing to recover from,

A shattered trust

Not just once 

And that’s when things became tough

Because I wanted to let go

Forgive, and move on

But my mind wouldn’t 

And my heart couldn’t

Not fully

And I wanted to so badly

To not think about the infidelity

To not think about the tears that fell from me

Or the fears that held onto me

Consuming every part of me

I wanted it all to just be gone from me

So that I could love him the way I needed to

The way my soul yearned to

After all that we had been through

I needed him to love me right too

To heal my wounds 

My heart, so bruised 

He had no clue

How deep my pain was

And why it was so hard to trust. 

-J.I.F